Elements of Monster Movies

Reading the movie reviews page of Something Awful, I had the inspiration to write a rigorous, academic piece about monster movies.

You don't believe me? Here it is:


The Elements of Monster Movies

- A Monster, or monsters.
Said monsters can be semi-plausible or utterly preposterous, but they must kill people - especially in unusual and unpleasant ways; break things and be generally monstruous. A good monster must either a real bitch to take down, or spawn innumerable offsprings. A middle way are medium-tough monsters generated only once but in huge numbers. Often this is required to give the movie a minimal required duration. The origin of said monsters does not need to be explained in great detail; a neat trick is to make them aliens so you don't have to work any explanation: they just jump off their spaceships and start wreacking havoc. Often monsters are portrayed as been almost invulnerable, except for one single incredibly stupid weakness that will their downfall. All this would seem pretty straightforward and fool-proof, but the history of the genre is chock full of completely botched monsters. If your monster is huge, it must be very tough - lke in shrugging off 120mm armor-piercing direct hits like they were mosquitoes. On the other hand, small, quick monsters are more difficult to hit. You cannot have a dinosaur 100 meters tall, and still soldiers missing him; that's a no-no. In recent times monsters are also shown as having motivations or being generated by the foolish humans messing around with Mother Nature most intimate secrets. Who cares, we watch those movies for the mayhem, not the message.

- A Setting.
Most monster movies (from now on abbreviated as MM or mike-mike, because I'm fed up with writing it all the time) occur in Small Town, Middle of Nowhere. That's pretty easy to understand: out-of-hand locations are much cheaper than mainstream ones and the cast needs to be much smaller. And if you're filming in a suitable backwater location, you may even save on makeup by hiring local rednecks. On the serious side (aehm...), an isolated town gives the necessary plot elements of isolation and being unable to call for help. I mean, if a monster invasion occurred in Central London it would attract quite some attention. Unless it begins on a saturday night after 11pm. Of course there are noticeable exceptions, and cities like Tokyo get trashed by overgrown radioactive dinosaurs, giant robots and more mysterious entities known as Angels and EVAs.

- A Hero.
This is another fundamental element of the mix. No good hero, go good mike-mike.
Heroes fall generally in two different categories: the Conflicted Hero and the Badass. The CH generally has suffered a childhood trauma that makes him initially ineffective: when carnivorous kangaroos attack, a CH is initially paralysed remembering how his pet kangaroo died in an horrific wood chipper accident wehn he was three years old. He has to overcome this burden before building himself a portable wood chipper and start grinding the monsters to pulp.
On the other hand, the BA just loves to blast monsters to hell since the first second of the movie (sometimes he may be paid to do the job), and his biggest existential questions are "Bud or Miller? Hamburger or Chilli? Shotgun or Assault Rifle? Blonde or Brunette?". The BA also utters one-liners. This is a commandament. The apex of Badass is Ash in Army of Darkness, hands down. Whatever the kind, the hero must be able to figure out the monster's weakness, even if that takes ridiculous plot contrivances. After all, the life of the nation is well worth the sacrifice of a plot.
What about female heroes? Well, we still are pretty much sexist, and the role of hero is seldom covered by a woman - but women have their important parts in MMs.

- Cannon Fodder
As I said, monsters must kill people and Cannon Fodder is there exactly to be killed. Generally CF are innocent, common people being in the Wrong Place at the Wrong Time, but often the screenwriters grace us with moralistic twists and the folks getting killed first are the ones impure with lust (or maybe it isn't morals, but just an excuse to show some bare skin) or smoking a joint or doing another of those obnoxious activities that teenagers seem to prefer. Sometimes the monster(s) do kill someone actually evil, and this makes them a bit more sympathetic. Particularly disturbing (at least for me) are those innocents killed while taking a leak or a healthy crap. Often it happens that female victims lose most of their clothes (besides doing absolutely dumb things - although this is more the realm of slasher flicks rather than mike-mikes) before being transformed in food for mutant ticks. If they're Western gals; Japanese tentacled monsters instead prey on schoolgirls for reasons that I cannot explain in detail without making this weblog X-rated.

- A Damsel in Distress.
The main difference between a DiD and regular CF is that the DiD usually lives until the closing credits - and meets the Hero; this is another commandment cast in stone. Sometimes the DiD and the Hero find time for a gratuitious, happy couple gymnastics session between being chased by some monsters and fragging some more. The DiD screams a lot, is most often good looking and not camera-shy, especially when the monster molests her in the shower or some similar situation. And when the Hero arrives but the hideous mutant octopus lying in ambush slaps the gun off his hands leaving him unarmed, the DiD can only stare in panic at the fight without doing anything useful. And if she finally grabs the gun and fires, it's in a sort of hysterical frenzy before ending up sobbing in the strong arms of the hero (at this point the movie may end, or the monster may revive and grab her ankle. Always her ankle).

- A Tough Chick
This is a role gaining importance in these more equal times. A TC is also good looking, maybe with a penchant for skin-tight latex suits (or at least tight tank tops, let's not be fussy here). If she screams is to yell taunts and obscenities at the monsters, and she rarely is caught unclothed (of course if the movie is not hentai; in those basically no-one remains clothed and inviolated). If the hero drops his gun, the TC is ready to pick it up and pump two .45 bullets in the monster's head at close range. Or she may even kick it unconscious with a series of expert spinning kicks. And never, ever grab a TC's ankle. However, heroines in mike-mikes are still pretty rare. But at least TCs are more likely to do up-and-down with the Hero (especially the BA variety; often the CH has a loving family already, or revels in the memory of his beloved wife) , and that's the good thing.